Stuck in my own reality

I was at a point in my life, where I felt kind of stuck. Stuck in a routine which was having no routine. I felt like I really needed some time off to figure out what I wanted to do next in life. What steps to take, and most important but also most difficult; where to start. I was searching everywhere, hoping for answers. In books, in my surroundings, on the internet, in other people, in nature, in my mind, in the past, in films, in work. Yes, pretty much everywhere. Where to search though, if you don’t even know what exactly you’re looking for.

For a while I had this idea of a trip in my head, that I kept postponing somehow. And because I felt so lost in this period of my life, I asked myself, why not do it now? There were no good reasons left to keep postponing. Especially because it was something I was so curious about for so long, and really deeply wanted to do. So I decided to book a one way ticket to Thailand. I had no idea if this would also help me figure things out. But I didn’t want to focus on that. I just wanted to let go of everything from home and myself, to be able to observe the situation from a different perspective. 

Against my expectations I soon found out what I wanted and what I was looking for all this time. I really was stuck. Not only stuck in a non-existent routine, but also in my own reality. I think this realization wouldn’t be as clear and confronting as it was now, with this distance. Distance of expectations, of the hesitations about what decisions to make. What’s going to turn out in a good way and what not. Distance of social pressure, uncertainties, emotions, my surroundings, and of myself.

In the end I found out, that the only one who could give me answers, was myself. All this time the answer was right here in front me, I just didn’t search in the right places. I hope that fear, uncomfortability and insecurity will not take over, and that my curiosity will be stronger than that. Even though I have no idea where it will take me. Because I don’t want to feel so lost again, any time soon. And mostly we find answers when and where we least expect it. I always keep believing that everything will be fine, and if not, then anyway.